The Secret to Living a Happier Life

I’ve spent most of my life taking care of everyone, being there for everyone, and worrying about everyone else’s wellbeing. I felt compelled to say yes to everything, even when I wanted to say no. Time and time again, I gave of myself until my bucket was completely empty.

So many of us empty-nesters (and really, mothers of all ages) have this shared experience. It’s not often talked about, perhaps out of guilt or simply feeling that others won’t relate.

Well my dear, it’s time to change all of that. It might be a big transition, a far departure from where you are right now. But I promise you that, with baby steps, you can (and should!) make yourself a priority.

Historically, women have been taught to put themselves on the back burner while prioritizing their families. But I now understand that I would have been a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc., had I just stepped back and taken better care of myself. Rather than always running on empty, if I’d filled my own bucket first, I would have had more to give. You simply cannot serve from an empty vessel.

So how do we take care of ourselves? We start small. In positive psychology we call these tiny, incremental changes, “kaizen”. As we start to change one small thing, others start to fall into place. Over time, we realize all of the changes we wanted to make are happening, like a domino effect.

That’s how it’s been for me; I started with a gratitude practice. From there, I found positive psychology, which in turn lead me on a journey to whole-person wellbeing. 12 years later I’m still growing and changing, but I’ve never felt better! Of course there’s always room to grow, but I make sure I’m always open to that growth. You can read all about the art and science behind creating your own happiness from 25 happiness thought leaders here.

We need to love and value ourselves and this starts with realizing our time is valuable, and we have choices when it comes to how we spend our time. I always strived to complete everything on my to-do list. I did get satisfaction from checking off all those tasks, but it left me tired, frustrated and worn out. Trying to be and do it all is overwhelming, physically and emotionally. No longer do I allow the to-do list to control me - now I’m the one in control! Now, at the very top of my to-do list, is me! This was certainly a big adjustment for me, but everyone around me has benefited from my change in mindset.

I recently ran across an article that asked, “Did you take the time today to be happy?” It stopped me in my tracks. I thought about all the running around we do, taking care of so many things, catering to so many others and so many obligations. We have become human doings. So how do we get back to happy human beings?

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice–

though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles.

“Mend my life!” each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,

though their melancholy was terrible.

It was already late enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches and stones.

But little by little, as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,

that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,

determined to do the only thing you could do–

determined to save the only life you could save.

I’ll bet the thought of of doing something to make yourself happy rarely crosses your mind. Yet how many times are you thinking about what you can do for others to make them happy? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to stop thinking of others. A great deal of our happiness comes from giving of ourselves. But we need to put ourselves on that list too!

When the urge arises to keep pushing yourself rather than taking care of yourself, stop for a moment and consider doing something just for you. Make yourself a priority just as you would your best friend. Whether you take time to practice gratitude, meditate, surround yourself with flowers, get out in nature, give yourself a special gift, take a class, read a book, listen to music, or do nothing at all… it doesn’t matter what it is, just do it! For as little or as much as you can, focus on yourself. Take a whole day, or take a few minutes if that’s all you can spare. The point is, give yourself the love you deserve and you’ll feel replenished and so much more capable of tackling the rest.

Start by committing to doing one small thing for yourself each day. You are so worth it! You’ll find that you’re more efficient at everything else because you are filled with that love for yourself that no one else can give you. No one is coming to save you. The one you have been waiting for is you!